This is the story of Amber Cissna. Here it goes….
MARRIAGE
Oh boy, my heart skipped a beat. A scary beat. Not a beautiful, fluttering, butterfly feeling, but a big fat nervous one. Okay, I am married already so maybe I am not so scared to talk about marriage anymore, but I used to be, so here it is. The first and most important step to becoming my married self, was to learn to love myself. Now ladies, this is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO. Learn to love yourself FIRST. It is hard for me to admit this… I was so dependent on having a boy love/like me at all times. I needed to feel wanted and loved by someone else and when I didn’t have that, I felt lost. The summer after I graduated Snow College was the hardest for me. I moved back home with my parents (I love them to death but man it is hard to go back after being on your own for so long). I was no longer surrounded by a bunch of friends, I wasn’t attending fun college events, I wasn’t meeting new people and flirting all the time. I was stuck. No boyfriend. No friends all the time. Just me, myself, and I. This turned into the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I had a lot of time to contemplate on who I was as a person. I learned to love myself more than anyone. I learned to be okay with my own body and my own personality (but seriously this is a never ending process). It wasn’t easy. It took a lot of time on my knees praying for comfort and support. But guess what, I learned the only love I needed was from me. During this time of self-rejuvenation, I began to plan my life. Now that is where I went wrong. You cannot plan your own life. Nope. No such thing.
My life was planned. I was going to serve an LDS mission. I knew who I was going to date when I got home. I had my husband candidates picked out. I worked out how my life would be with each of them and thought that no matter what I would live a happy life. Weird right? I knew my life would work out with any of these candidates and I would be happy. Now this is a hard pill to swallow. You can love more than one person (Brandon hates to hear me say it, but he knows that I am not discrediting the immense love that I have for him). I’ll say it again… You can love more than one person. Life is a B-word right? How in the heck am I going to find “the one”, when there is more than one, “the one” in this world??? So confusing right?
This is my story:
One night, after telling one my girl friends that things did not work out with my return missionary and that I was ready for someone to set me up on a date, I got a random call around 10:00 PM. I was in bed, ready to sleep, and now I had a strange boy calling me. He was nervous. He could also tell I was a little weirded out by this situation. He quickly found out that I had no idea he was calling me and he was embarrassed because he thought for sure I was told my number was given to him. I told him it was fine and I would be happy to talk for a second (really I ran as fast as I could to go and find my laptop, so as soon as he told me his name I could instantly stalk him on Facebook. He was pretty cute so I didn’t mind). He ended up asking me out and we went on a blind date. I had a blast. I was shy and I didn’t talk too much but I still had fun. I thought, “Yeah, we could be really good friends” (because my life was planned remember?). On our second date I told Brandon that I was planning to serve a mission. You should have seen his face! I have never seen someone look so disappointed. No joke, he asked if he could call his friend and tell him what I just said. He definitely called him, right in front of me (side note: the two previous girls Brandon was dating pretty seriously broke up with him to go on missions. His poor heart couldn’t handle it). I didn’t care. I wanted it known that I was in preparation for that step of my life from the get go. We continued to date and I was okay with it. My plans weren’t to date anyone in particular anyways because I was leaving eventually. I was okay with someone taking me on dates, and making me feel loved throughout the mission preparation, so I didn’t stop him. He began to heavily hint that he didn’t want me to date anyone else (I only went out with another boy one time during this time), and I told him I was okay with that. But, I never would say the same back to him. I always told him, “You can do whatever you want”, or “Do whatever your heart desires”. He hated that with a passion. He wanted my commitment and I wasn’t going to give it to him. He wasn’t part of my plan. Brandon fought so hard for me. Because guess what? HE HAD A LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT MOMENT. What?? Those exist?! I am sooooo beyond flattered that my husband wanted me for eternity from DAY ONE, people! But in my mind, that really didn’t exist.
As our relationship grew I still never had the thought cross my mind that I would marry this amazing man. One weekend, as I traveled to stay in Provo to be with him, I knew it was time to tell him that he needed to start dating other girls. It had to happen! I needed to start getting more serious with my life’s plan and start my mission papers. The time came for us to have this conversation. He started. The words out of his mouth were “I think I need to start dating other girls.” SCORE! Right? He made it easier. That is what I was just going to say anyways! WRONG. Oh. So. Wrong. What in the heck was happening to me?? My world was spinning. Nothing was making sense in my brain. The only thing that would come out of my face was tears. Lots and lots of tears. Like, the ugly cry. Snot running down my face and everything. Brandon was confused. He had no idea what to do. He kept apologizing and saying he didn’t mean it. He kept saying over and over again that he really wanted me and only me. But those words were not helping, at all! I was so lost in my own brain that I didn’t even know what to do. After a long cry session I began to try and work things out. I wondered why in the heck my reaction was the way it was. Us ending our exclusiveness was supposed to happen. THAT WAS THE PLAN. So guess what happened? I decided I needed to give him a fair chance. We were now officially exclusive. How in the world did that just happen? I still don’t know, but it did.
My original plans were still constantly in the back of my mind. I still thought that a mission was supposed to be my path. I still secretly would read Preach my Gospel and still find feelings of comfort in planning for a mission. Everyone around me seemed to know that I was going to marry Brandon, everyone but me. My heart was still pulling in other directions. I really loved Brandon so much. He was my best friend. He made me laugh harder than anyone else. He would do ANYTHING for me. He wanted me and only me. He would take care of me. He would make my life full of love and happiness. We could survive marriage. We would make the cutest babies. We would be so, so blessed and beyond happy. BUT WHERE IN THE HECK IS MY “AH HAH” MOMENT!? Never had one. Not once. Now some people have these. Some couples know that they are meant for each other and only each other and that is great, but it didn’t happen that way for me. I was terrified! Brandon and I would talk about marriage and it was exciting. I was way more nervous than excited. I was still confused the whole entire time. I began to let it sink in. I tried to make it my NEW plan. A very different, unexpected, revised plan. The time came to pick out rings. How in the world did I get to a place where I was picking out wedding rings with a random stranger that had no business butting into my plans? I have no idea. But I kept letting happen. Eventually we were engaged. I was so beyond happy. I was so excited. But still so nervous. Why wouldn’t my dang nerves just go away? I should have no doubts and no reason to be nervous about getting married. It’s only eternity right? Did I really pick the right man? Was I rushing into something? Was I letting my plans turn me down the wrong path? Was I giving myself the best option to be the happiest I could be? Okay, now I was freaking out.
Brandon was selling alarm systems for a good chunk of our engagement. He was gone while I was left home to make all the hard and stressful decisions. Somehow the thoughts of calling off everything kept creeping into my mind. I kept thinking that it wasn’t right. I kept thinking about how many friendships I would lose if I were to call it off. Now these thoughts should have been a big red flag right? I thought so, but it still didn’t feel right to call off the wedding. I was marrying my best friend. So the bad thoughts had to go away. I really started to force myself to think of only the happiness we would have together (I think it was definitely been part of Satan’s plan to put those doubtful thoughts I was having into my mind). I forced myself to stop going down the other paths to happiness that I created in my mind. It started to not matter to me, knowing that my life could work out with someone else. I started to make Brandon my life. He was the one that I was planning on being with for eternity. He is the one that mattered. He is part of this plan at this moment. I chose to take this path. I chose to take this new path to happiness. I knew I would still be so happy marrying Brandon. I knew that our lives would be successful and bright. I knew that this plan was still a good plan. And I still think it is was a good plan.
I learned so much during that year of my life before marriage. I learned that marriage is terrifying. I learned that it is not as magical as people make it seem. My love story was bumpy and all over the place. It was not butterflies and rainbows. It was pure turmoil. I did not have an “ah hah” moment. I did not get a definite answer that “he is the one and only one”. I learned that there are multiple paths in life. I learned that there is not only one true path to happiness. There might be few different paths to happiness and I chose the one that was right in front of me. Don’t spend too much time trying to find those screaming feelings of approval and those big, red, flashing lights saying, “stop, you found the right one!” Sometimes they really don’t exist. Finding someone who makes you immensely happy and someone who loves you more than life itself is so important. Stop searching for unrealistic persons, there are flaws in every person and in every relationship. No marriage is perfect. Not a single one. Try not to compare your love stories with someone else’s. Try not to compare your own path with someone else’s. My path is different than yours. My destination at this given time is different than yours. Take your time. Love yourself. Be proud of your life and things will work out. They work out exactly how they are supposed to. Remember, they do not work out according to your plan.
I think my biggest hope is that you might rethink your own situation. You are on a different path than everyone. Try not to plan your destiny. Let it happen. What you have done in your life has led you to this point. You will find your path to happiness. Don’t search too hard or you might get lost in confusion. Do not compare your life with others. I have done this so many times in my life and it really only leads to unhappiness. You can do this. Life is one giant roller coaster ride, and you cannot plan what is coming around the next bend. Just stay calm (maybe scream a few times), and enjoy the ride.
XOXO, Amber
Choose your love, love your choice
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